Radiophony
I often listen to the radio in the car while I'm driving and sometimes it's entertaining and sometimes I even shout things back but I've never been coordinated enough to actually phone in. Today, the second hour of Radio Times (with Marty Moss-Coane) was about the importance of unscheduled play time. The very nice, well spoken doctor (discussing his recent report for the APA on how crucial play is) discussed how play helps children unwind, practice social skills, negotiate interactions with their peers and how current trends in parenting has us all wildly scheduling our children into this or that activity and how children aren't playing enough, that they do what we think they should do rather than driving their own play.
This is something which is right up there on my top five angsts for Autumn 2006, that even though I don't schedule that many activities (okay, almost none), the children have so little play time which just feels wrong wrong wrong. But as the doctor and Marty chatted, it struck me that again, we were laying the burden for the disintegration of society at the feet of parents, making us responsible for salving society's lacks. If children have less play time it's not that parents are all crazed about good universities and breeding geniuses (although some clearly are) but it's more that parents have less time; it's partly that you can't let your children run down the street to call on a neighbor unsupervised; it's partly that we are living away from our extended families, away from villages, that the neighborhood is more an idea than a reality, that there aren't parents on every doorstep, on every porch, joining naturally in the supervision of a group of local children. If we schedule our children, it is partly to FIND other children, to take the children to safe places to play. If our children are overscheduled it is partly because we as a society are overscheduled -- our jobs take up way more than the 38hrs over five days thing and we are supposed to go the gym, the supermarket, this meeting and that. We're also supposed to still be young! Pretty! And interested in music! If our children are stressed and anxious, then they're just doing what children always have done -- they're in training for their adulthood.
This makes parenting an even greater burden since we have to divide our limited time into more tiny pieces -- playtime over here. Dinner-making time, next (instead of at the same time). Baseball time is separate. School is far away. And now here is Family Time because we're all only going to be here for these two hours so we better get some Quality in. Oooh, and let's not forget community time! And adult time! Seriously.
The point is that the fragmentation of our society makes spontaneous "just kick the kids outdoors" play time an anachronism. We have no community to play in. We have to go find the children to play with, which means scheduling -- soccer practice, play dates, playground time. It means driving hither and yon since our networked communities are so large. It means that childhood is different because the world is, and we can't recreate some lovely 1950's Mayberry if we live in urban Philly. And nor should parents have to accept yet another pebble to put in our sacks. Our sacks are heavy enough.
So I called in (from the car on a little dangling cell phone headset thing). If you click on the link tonight (27/11) you'll get a page with a link so that you can listen to the program -- I chime in for ten seconds at about 23 minutes (otherwise you can look in the archives to get the link). Clearly, I couldn't rant at full throttle because they'd have to cut me off -- or send over social services to check on the children -- so I tried to sound measured and intelligent and not like I was driving too fast down West River Drive. Still, I called in and that was such fun -- even though Marty clearly doesn't spend enough time in South Philly or she'd have known how to say my name. And equally clearly, they weren't up to taking on the broader issue, because such programs naturally have to tackle small problems which can be addressed in short sentences.
Now I'm all geared up for more ranting and more radio which means I'm definitely phoning in again to Motherhood Uncensored's new program. And this time I'll remember that I'm on the air and won't stop to drink tea between sentences.
This is something which is right up there on my top five angsts for Autumn 2006, that even though I don't schedule that many activities (okay, almost none), the children have so little play time which just feels wrong wrong wrong. But as the doctor and Marty chatted, it struck me that again, we were laying the burden for the disintegration of society at the feet of parents, making us responsible for salving society's lacks. If children have less play time it's not that parents are all crazed about good universities and breeding geniuses (although some clearly are) but it's more that parents have less time; it's partly that you can't let your children run down the street to call on a neighbor unsupervised; it's partly that we are living away from our extended families, away from villages, that the neighborhood is more an idea than a reality, that there aren't parents on every doorstep, on every porch, joining naturally in the supervision of a group of local children. If we schedule our children, it is partly to FIND other children, to take the children to safe places to play. If our children are overscheduled it is partly because we as a society are overscheduled -- our jobs take up way more than the 38hrs over five days thing and we are supposed to go the gym, the supermarket, this meeting and that. We're also supposed to still be young! Pretty! And interested in music! If our children are stressed and anxious, then they're just doing what children always have done -- they're in training for their adulthood.
This makes parenting an even greater burden since we have to divide our limited time into more tiny pieces -- playtime over here. Dinner-making time, next (instead of at the same time). Baseball time is separate. School is far away. And now here is Family Time because we're all only going to be here for these two hours so we better get some Quality in. Oooh, and let's not forget community time! And adult time! Seriously.
The point is that the fragmentation of our society makes spontaneous "just kick the kids outdoors" play time an anachronism. We have no community to play in. We have to go find the children to play with, which means scheduling -- soccer practice, play dates, playground time. It means driving hither and yon since our networked communities are so large. It means that childhood is different because the world is, and we can't recreate some lovely 1950's Mayberry if we live in urban Philly. And nor should parents have to accept yet another pebble to put in our sacks. Our sacks are heavy enough.
So I called in (from the car on a little dangling cell phone headset thing). If you click on the link tonight (27/11) you'll get a page with a link so that you can listen to the program -- I chime in for ten seconds at about 23 minutes (otherwise you can look in the archives to get the link). Clearly, I couldn't rant at full throttle because they'd have to cut me off -- or send over social services to check on the children -- so I tried to sound measured and intelligent and not like I was driving too fast down West River Drive. Still, I called in and that was such fun -- even though Marty clearly doesn't spend enough time in South Philly or she'd have known how to say my name. And equally clearly, they weren't up to taking on the broader issue, because such programs naturally have to tackle small problems which can be addressed in short sentences.
Now I'm all geared up for more ranting and more radio which means I'm definitely phoning in again to Motherhood Uncensored's new program. And this time I'll remember that I'm on the air and won't stop to drink tea between sentences.
posted by Francesca Amendolia at 19:44
8 Comments:
Yes, yes, and yes. If the mantra that children learn what they live is true, if children learn to live with stress, they learn to BE stressed. Yet stress is such a natural reaction to high expectations- of ourselves, eachother, of life. This is not all bad, because it drives us towards progress, towards reaching for greater things. I think maybe more has to be focused around balance between what we want to be simple and what we want to be just slightly out of reach enough to motivate us to do better. Family, friendships, love and care, those can be simple. Self- esteem, esteem for others, those can be simple. I think what I have most learned in this two years as a mother is that the things I feel most scattered about should be and can be simplified. I spent the first year spinning my wheels, trying to get things right. I spent the next year fighting against this tendancy and allowing myself to back away from the pressure. I'll never forget one family I worked with in my classroom. I sat down at conferences one day with a mother to a beautiful girl in my room. Mom was a doctor, and a very driven one, a loving, concerned person in all aspects of her life. It was obvious in her stance, her warmth. Yet she sat down at our little person's conference table a ball of stress, anxious and worried about her daughter. Now, mind you this student was one of the brightest I've ever come across, her ability to memorize, articulate, infer, and internalize all sorts of information were off the charts. Mom was not concerned about her marks, but was very worried because "she has no friends". Mom went on to explain that because of their very busy work life, they weren't able to go to playdates, birthday parties, organized sporting events, or lessons of any kind. She felt that all of their "extra" time should be spent together, as a family, doing "nothing much". I was stunned- this little girl was one of the most well liked and well rounded children in the class. I went on to tell mom that not only did she have friends, but that although she stuck with no one exclusively or tied herself to any one activity, she had a natural happiness and enthusiasm that made all of the children want to just be with her. She laughed the loudest and the hardest with the other children- and she had something most children, most people have yet to achieve- the abiltiy to be happy for other people with no strings attached, no envy, no conditions, just natural joy. Mom cried. So maybe all of this scattered activity just mucks up what kids natually have- the ability to grab joy from what you are given, simple as it may be.
I think you are amazing, and I am proud that you are out there making things simply better.
Callie, I wish you had a blog so I could return some of this loveliness to you -- even though (all together now) I'm lousy at commenting on the blogs I read.
Your story heartened me. Although I believe that what we do -- that is, nothing much -- is right, I still quiver when I talk to people who have their children in dance and gymnastics and music classes and so on. I worry when I hear about play dates and parties. I find my resolve to make sure there is lots of tempting time to fill with play tested by the other pressures in our lives. Your marvellous narrative stiffens that resolve. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Bonus!!! I'll be sure to listen if I know you're calling in!
And of course by "parents" overscheduling their kids, they mean "mothers." :P
Whenever I hear these sorts of stories about "kids today" I would like to know what point in history they are referencing. Didn't kids use to work in garment factories? Didn't they use to cook and clean and help raise their siblings? There was never a point in history that children just played all day without any worries or responsibilies.
The thing that bothers me about supposed "overscheduling" is the child-centricism that goes along with it. I don't want to raise a kid that thinks my world (and therefore, the world at large) revolves around her wants and desires. I don't want kids who are selfish and demanding and who can't see that they are part of community. People need to give as much or more than they take and quit with the "me me me!" business.
Your comments about extended networks and the decline of the American community reminded me of this geezer Robert Putnam, who was a contributor to one of my programmes earlier in the year. It's worth getting to know his stuff, as he writes about all this. http://www.bowlingalone.com.
R
This is a topic that has been on my mind for quite some time. I hate to say it, but the problem only gets worse as the kids get older. I feel we are creating an entire generation of future stressed-out workaholics. If you haven't already, read Judith Warner's Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. She addresses many of these issues (although only from the upper-middle-class white woman's perspective) and does point to our current culture/way of life as the true culprit.
It's all about learning how to say "no". No to sports practices that occur at the dinner hour. No to activities that consume every weekend from the beginning of school till Xmas. You get the idea. We've done it for years. My oldest goes to religious school one afternoon a week; they all go on Sundays. Other than another occasional after-school activity, we don't participate. Homework is a priority. Eating dinner together as a family every night is paramount. I don't even listen to those people who insist that it must change as the children get older.
I "kick my kids outdoors" every chance I get b/c the weather now permits it in Florida. Even when the weather is oppressive, we go swimming or just "hang out".
I'm with you all the way, Stunt Mom.
See, just when I believe you are brilliant, you have to go prove it beyond any doubt (if anyone could have any!). What you said in your intelligently stated radio comment made me immediately think of Forster's well-known quote from Howard's End (which I am conveniently rereading at the moment): "Only connect." Oh, so important to deveopment, as individuals and as societies of people. And how can they, if they are scheduled out the wazzoo? Look what a chord you've struck. Bravo.
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