Aging
A while ago I went to the doctor because I thought my asthma was getting worse. And I had (or had just had) bursitis. What is wrong with me? I asked. The doctor shrugged. "You're just getting old," she said.
I have an aching wrist and a cut on my hand that is taking a long time to heal. I can no longer entwine my fingers and bend over and have my arms loop over my head. I used to be able to do that. I could do all sorts of things that I didn't think were hard at all that are now impossible. I can't hold my balance the way I once did. My neck gets sore. My eyes get tired. My lips crack.
I'm going to yoga and what I don't know is how much is recuperable. Can I reclaim the (limited by my basic structure) flexibility I tossed away through years of blind inactivity? Can I reclaim the lost lung power? Can I push away the pain in my wrists? Knit together the diastasis of my stomach muscles, long after birth? Or am I aging past these things?
Aging is not something I want to fear, but I want to balance what I should cling to with what I should gracefully surrender. What goes on each list? How can I decide? I suspect that the neck pain, a long term legacy of a car accident in my early twenties, is here to stay. Surrender headbanging gracefully. All right. The wrist pain is new, perhaps due to too much laptop use at a bad angle. Fight that! If I can choose well, I will have more energy to fight the good fight, rather than flinging myself against the brick wall of the inevitable.
But what about my dreams? Some dreams I think I do have to gracefully surrender. No chance I'll be in the RSC now. Nor will I dance. I am unlikely to live on a yacht or learn to speak fluent Dutch.
I can hear all your caring comments now, urging me to never give up on dreams, and you're quite right -- as far as it goes. But I think some must get cleared out of the way so that I can see the future spreading out before me, not cluttered with might-have-beens, but with maybes. If I can choose well, I will have more chance of fighting gracefully, rather than tripping over my somewhat wretched, aging feet.
Last year I was considering my place in the blogosphere.
I have an aching wrist and a cut on my hand that is taking a long time to heal. I can no longer entwine my fingers and bend over and have my arms loop over my head. I used to be able to do that. I could do all sorts of things that I didn't think were hard at all that are now impossible. I can't hold my balance the way I once did. My neck gets sore. My eyes get tired. My lips crack.
I'm going to yoga and what I don't know is how much is recuperable. Can I reclaim the (limited by my basic structure) flexibility I tossed away through years of blind inactivity? Can I reclaim the lost lung power? Can I push away the pain in my wrists? Knit together the diastasis of my stomach muscles, long after birth? Or am I aging past these things?
Aging is not something I want to fear, but I want to balance what I should cling to with what I should gracefully surrender. What goes on each list? How can I decide? I suspect that the neck pain, a long term legacy of a car accident in my early twenties, is here to stay. Surrender headbanging gracefully. All right. The wrist pain is new, perhaps due to too much laptop use at a bad angle. Fight that! If I can choose well, I will have more energy to fight the good fight, rather than flinging myself against the brick wall of the inevitable.
But what about my dreams? Some dreams I think I do have to gracefully surrender. No chance I'll be in the RSC now. Nor will I dance. I am unlikely to live on a yacht or learn to speak fluent Dutch.
I can hear all your caring comments now, urging me to never give up on dreams, and you're quite right -- as far as it goes. But I think some must get cleared out of the way so that I can see the future spreading out before me, not cluttered with might-have-beens, but with maybes. If I can choose well, I will have more chance of fighting gracefully, rather than tripping over my somewhat wretched, aging feet.
Last year I was considering my place in the blogosphere.
posted by Francesca Amendolia at 23:36
3 Comments:
What a thought-provoking post! At 62, I ponder what I should cling to and what I should surrender. The last five years of my mom's life were incredibly difficult for all of us because she would never surrender. After an incredibly active life, at age 79, she developed a progressive neurological disease (like Parkinson's, but much worse) that destroyed her balance. She wouldn't make peace with her losses and use a cane, walker, wheelchair. As a result, she broke more bones than a reckless teenager--pelvis, sternum, arm, rib. She fell down the stairs and landed on her head, suffering a head injury that led to serious cognitive problems. She could never be left alone because she would constantly fall attempting things she could no longer do.
I hope I am more willing to ask for and accept help as I age.
I think one part of your post, about realizing that you will not achieve some of your earlier dreams is true at all ages. Its poignant in your early 20s and 30s when you see people having achieved these old dreams (millionaire entrepreneur, successful literary novelist, Wimbledon winner) and they are your peers or younger than you. The way I handle it is to think of those dreams as yesterdays and recharge/ refresh for the future. After all, I don't really want to be Wimbledon champion now. It would mean rather fewer martinis and fatty food and less time to lounge and read.
I found my inner athlete in my 40's. At 47, I find myself doing sprint triathlons, lifting weights, running, swimming, and riding my bike for the sheer joy of it. I'm very careful about my form, and about my rest. But I am, in fact, stronger, more flexible, etc. than I was when I was in my 20s. I'm not faster, though. Actually, I kind of plod. Except on the bike.
At somepoint i just realized that, having had my kids in my mid to late 30s, I needed to do what I could to ensure that I would enjoy as many of their milestones as possible. I can't control fate, herdity, or strange passing diseases. If they slow me down, so be it. I can be relatively fit.
Yes, you'll get lots of it back. Stick with stuff you enjoy, and you'll find you get better than the 20-something you.
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